Li'l Whores

The ugly trend of giving young girls stripper names has been bad enough in the last few years, but I never thought it would come to this. Maybe Underoos will come back, only crotchless this time.

Bus Follies

Any resident of the Morrison would risk eviction if they were caught buying drugs nearby, so I'm surprised it took a year of near-daily trips on a bus route that stops in front of it before I saw anything like what happened today. The bus was pretty empty, and I was sitting in the back corner. When we pulled up to the Morrison, 6 junkies and a junkette followed a dealer and his girlfriend, and they all joined me in the back for one of the most conspicuous drug deals I've ever seen. All the potential customers stuck rolled-up wads of money at the dealer like an impatient teacher tapping away at a chalkboard with her chalk. I guess the scramble was because he only had enough crack for two of them, because even though only a couple of them got what they wanted, everyone but the dealer and his girlfriend got off at the next stop, around the corner at 3rd and Main. 

It was hard not to laugh out loud because they were so obvious. The best part, though, was realizing that the girlfriend had been eating out of a styrofoam tray the whole time, when she and the dealer got out at the next stop after that at 5th and Jackson. 

Later on, when I got to the airport, I found a rider alert at the bus stop, and learned it'll be closed all next week. I'm not confident that I'll catch my transfer on time at any possible alternate locations, so all next week I'll ride the slow bus most of the way down there and walk the rest of the way to work, basically reversing the course I take to get home at night when the express isn't running.

Speaking of which, my bus was about 15 minutes late coming home tonight. Late buses have almost no chance of catching up to their schedule, because of a cumulative effect I've been forced to study so many times. Here's how it typically happens:

1) A bus starts to fall behind because of traffic, construction, an unruly passenger, the boarding of a wheelchair user, or a large crowd all getting on at the same time.
2) As the bus falls further behind schedule, people who shouldn't have been able to catch the bus because they were late or were there early for the next bus start to get on. These passengers, mind you, are less likely to have their fare ready.
3) The more crowded the bus is, the longer it takes to load and unload, and the more likely it is that the bus will stop at any given stop for people wanting to get off.
4) Steps two and three feed into each other, often with a fresh infusion of step one.

Sometimes a bus falls so far behind, the one after it catches up, which causes confusion at bus stops when people try to get on the first bus but are turned away because there's an empty one coming up behind that they haven't noticed yet. 

Because I have to ride an airport route, I share the bus with the highest possible amount of people who have a ton of luggage and aren't familiar with the bus, and who will also have the most questions and are most likely to be lost.

Just because I feel like preaching, here's
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP

1) Have your fare ready. For any fare in Seattle, a dollar bill and 4 quarters will be enough, whether you have to pay $1.25, $1.50, or $2.00. Ask for your transfer, you can use it for 90 minutes.
2) Learn as much as you can before you go, using the Metro planner, the new Google site, or by calling 206-533-3000.
3) If you need to ask a question before you get off the bus, go up and ask as soon as you can instead of on your way out.
4) If you need to ask a question before getting on, let everyone else on first so they can settle in while you ask.
5) Read signs. Schedule and fare information are posted at most bus stops, and the sign on the fare box has your fare, and whether you pay as you get on or off, or if you're in the free-ride area.
6) Don't be a prick. If you have money for Steel Reserve or crack, you can pay your fare. If you don't, just ride around in the ride-free area. Nobody wants to watch you pretend to look through your pockets for money you're pretending or know you don't have (it's always really obvious, they just pat the outsides of the pockets) when you could just throw yourself at the mercy of the driver or, you know, walk.

I'm starting to veer off topic, so I'll save the rest for a future "taxonomy of bus assholes" rant.

By the way

I had approximately* the following conversations recently:

Her: Did you hear about that guy with the dog?
Me: Of course, it's all over the place.
Her: Now why would anyone do that?
Me: Have they shown his picture in the paper? Maybe he's really ugly. That would explain it.
Her: (laughs so loud that it echoes throughout the room) And you know it was a pitbull right?
Me: I didn't! He's gotta be careful, those things bite down and do not let go.
Her: You know, there's people writin' in from all around the world wantin' to adopt that dog.
Me: Of course, now that they know it puts out.
Her: You did not just say that. Anyway, I'm wondering, what if that poor dog got pregnant?
Me: Um, a person can't get a dog pregnant.
Her: How do you know?
Me: That's just something you should know, like from science class.
Her: Really?
Me: Yeah, don't worry. Like, lions and tigers can breed, and horses and donkeys, but you don't have to worry about a human breeding with anything. Trust me, there'd be a LOT of half-human, half-sheep things around.
Her: (walks away)

the next day

Her: So you know the guy with the dog? He got home, and his wife is gone. Done packed up all her stuff and just left.
Me: Well, makes sense. But did you ever stop to think that this might be her fault anyway?
Her: Aw, no you aren't...
Me: No, really. If she doesn't put out, she drove him to it! And I think it's great that he didn't cheat on her with another woman.
Her: Oh, you...
Me: Think about it. Next time your husband's like, hey honey...

*edited for brevity