Handwritten vacation entries transcribed, #1

Hello, dahlinks. (This is) the first leg of my trip to St. Louis. We're currently taxiing to the runway. I'd like to use the bumpy ride as an excuse for my horrible handwriting, but it's actually always this bad. I left my iPod at home because I didn't want to take the chance that they weren't letting them on. It was a gift from Shannon and I'd be crushed if I lost it. I'm surrounded by people with electronics, though, and am insanely jealous because the regional junior exposition champion is in the row behind me. Now we're taking off.

A woman who was stopped at the security checkpoint cut in line in front of me at the check-in counter to have her checked baggage retrieved so she could put her lipstick and blush in it. Then she was in line in front of me while I bought this notepad and pen, buying two magazines with a credit card. THEN she was in line in front of me getting on the plane. I have this dreadful feeling she's on her way to St. Louis to visit every place I'm going to visit, and will arrive just before I do.

They just announced that the price of beer, wine, and cocktails is now $5! For as long as I can remember, beer and wine were $3 and cocktails were $4.

They also have DirecTV and movies for $5, but I bought Exile in Guyville by badrobot68's friend djmrswhite, so I'll just read that instead.

Oh, and the movies are actually $8.

And my god, this pen sucks.

Sucks. I thought maybe the green ink would flow better but it doesn't. I didn't bring my own pen because the ink is a LIQUID. I probably shouldn't have chosen the cheapest 4-color pen at the newsstand.

Handwritten vacation entries transcribed, #2

I am in love with the flight attendant. Our snack choices were Sun Chips in an "Azure Blue" bag or Fritos in a "Sedona Red and Gold" bag.

Handwritten vacation entries transcribed, #3

One thing I hate more about traveling than this damned pen is how much it costs to drink. I'm currently at the Bar With No Obvious Name at the Denver airport (DEN for us air freight types). I'm enjoying a double-tall screwdriver which was $10 ($11 with tip) and also had a single for $5 on the plane, and another double-tall at the weird african restaurant at Sea-Tac airport (SEA for those air freight types). That's $27 so far. If I drank $27 at Noc Noc or Manray I would be in the emergency room or maybe dead in the ambulance on the way there. I'm just now only starting to get a bit drunk (again, I wish I could blame the booze for my chicken scratch) but until now I just had the slight high-altitude-mixed-with-a-nearly-empty-stomach buzz, which was cut abruptly short by the woman in the front row, left side, aisle seat. She and her (kinda bearish) SO were here in the bar, but left. If she's on my next flight, I may just lose it.

I was also on the aisle, on the right side, in the second row. It turns out that she had to sit where she was because she hurt her right foot and can't quite sit like a normal person. She had to stick her foot into the aisle. Were in in such a predicament, I would have certainly worn my trust Dr. Marten's, and not some open-toe granola-girl sandals. 

But me, she ain't. At least three people stepped on her, but we both spent the rest of the flight jumping whenever anyone approached. Luckily I'm in 12F for the next leg (window, right side) so if she's going to St. Louis, she'll be where I can't see her.

P.S. There are always hotties at the airport and no way to enjoy their hotness. Did you know a couple this week who joined the mile high club were arrested for endangering the flight? It's true.

Handwritten vacation entries transcribed, #4

If it paid well enough, I'd like to have the "person who announces pages at the airport" job. Except that I'm so sick of working at the airport.

Handwritten vacation entries transcribed, #5

The girl trying to sign people up for the Frontier Airlines Mastercard asked EVERYONE sitting here if they were interested except me. I wonder if she can tell by looking at me that I have declared bankruptcy. DAMN YOU CARL, DAMN YOU!!!

Also, it cracks me up how so many guys in the southwest wear cowboy hats when they fly. They probably wear them when they fuck.

PS - She walked past me again. I obviously have the scarlet B on my lapel-area. What is that called, anyway? Too low to be the shoulder, too high to be the man-boob.

P(ee) S - The dude next to me at the urinals was on his cell phone just now. He must be IMPORTANT.

Handwritten vacation entries transcribed, #6

12F is way better than 2D. I've got a nice view of the hunky fellow passengers as they board, and this time I'll be able to look out the window. I'm right above the wing, but I can deal. We just clapped because it's Bobbi in 18F's birthday. Thank goodness they didn't ask us to sing.

Handwritten vacation entries transcribed, #6.5

Note: I found this page as I was finishing up, and there was no way I was going to go back and re-number all the entries after this one, so this one is 6.5

Rachael Ray from 30 Minute Meals is on a TV in the next row up making something. She seems like she'd be an awesome roommate. Exile in Guyville is such a good read that I'm already on page 127. 

Colorado is possibly the ugliest state in the union.

I am already sober again.

Handwritten vacation entries transcribed, #7

On my last flight, when I ordered my screwdriver, the cool flight attendant signaled to her partner that she needed a vodka by holding her fingers up to her mouth in the shape of a "V". I shit you not. So now I'm enjoying a cunnilingus with cran-apple juice because I'm a bit orangejuiced out. The cranberry juice will also help with the bladder infection I'm sure to get from sitting here needing to pee. I didn't need to when it was time to board, but the moment my foot hit the jetway I of course needed to.

Two of the attendants this flight look enough like old co-workers that they could play them in a movie about me. Strangely enough, they're the two I'd most care to keep in touch with.

Handwritten vacation entries transcribed, #8

A little Livejournal humor:
Current speed: 569 mph
Current altitude: 38692 ft

A guy two rows ahead of me, who I thought was quite attractive--a feeling only escalated by watching him get frisked during a secondary search--is using one of those wraparound neck pillows. Now it's embarrassing to have the hots for him.

But of course I still do. That's just how I am.

I learned from being in the airport that the Homeland Security Advisory Threat Level was elevated to orange. It would look good in my bathroom.